I need to stop coming to work sober
is wine microwaveable?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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