I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
