not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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