I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
