Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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