youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
