someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
