I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
