So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We need a shit load of segways right now
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
