I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
