ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
