I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
