I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
