You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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