This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize