My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
