Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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