how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
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