I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
