I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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