i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
