My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
