I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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