he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
