I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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