Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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