she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
