Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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