sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
