there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
