My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
