that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
