I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
