Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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