Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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