This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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