You smell like stripper and shame
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
