I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
