I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
