If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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