:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
