I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
