Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
