fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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