i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
