the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
