My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
