I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
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