tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
