Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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