Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
