what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
