Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
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