On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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