My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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