At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
