he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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