so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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