Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
