I wish I could teleport
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
